One of the cardinal rules of Internet shopping is this: never buy pants online. Usually it’s because judging their fit is impossible without access to a changing room, but in the case of the “Goosh Pants” that sell for $14.99 on Amazon, it’s because they’re printed with disgustingly photorealistic pee and poop stains. If your idea of a solid Halloween costume is “incontinent person,” the Goosh Pants are going to be a dream come true. We’re just waiting for them to make “Sexy Goosh Pants” for women.
Five Pounds Of Replica Fat
As Amazon has grown as a retailer, it’s started colonizing specialist niches where it could make a profit. One of those niches is medical supplies. Plenty of companies that used to sell their wares through grainy mail-order catalogs have come to the global marketplace with disturbing results. The Anatomical Chart Company is a leading manufacturer of supplies for medical instruction, including human skeletons and other fun stuff. This immense lump of faux human fat is designed to illustrate the toll that obesity takes on your body, but we can’t see that much of a market for it.
Old Asian Man Wall Decal
Wall decals, for some reason, have become big business on Amazon. It’s probably because they’re cheap to produce to order, meaning that retailers don’t have to warehouse slow sellers. Obviously, giant stickers of NFL logos or pro wrestlers sell at a pretty brisk pace, but once you start diving into the bowels of the wall decal industry things get a little bizarre. Meet the Old Asian Man Wall Decal, a two foot high replica of a middle-aged Sino-American in a button down shirt just waiting to be placed over your desk to guilt you into studying harder.
Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser
We tried to stay away from products that were obviously sold for comedic value in this list – there are plenty of jokesters out there with wacky ideas looking to make a buck. But there’s something so utterly nauseating about the Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser that earned it a spot. Load this thing up with your favorite liquid soap and then press the schnozz to make it drip listlessly from the right nostril. I’m sure that’s a fetish for somebody, but please don’t explain it to me in the comments.
Don’t ask us, Amazon is chock full of ludicrous beauty supplies. Nobody ever went broke overestimating the vanity of the American populace, so the site runneth over with creams, soaps, and other devices designed to improve the way you look. Probably the most ridiculous of the lot is this “Face Slimmer,” which will run you $11.50 plus free shipping. Allegedly, if you keep this plastic mouthpiece in your gob for three minutes a day, it will exercise your facial muscles and prevent wrinkles. In reality, it probably just gives you incredible jaw cramps.
Nicolas Cage Pillowcase
Amazon has, in some ways, turned into a massive version of the “grey market” retailers that travel from street fair to street fair selling potentially bootleg DVDs and other less than salubrious products. How else to explain this pillowcase emblazoned with the likeness of actor Nicolas Cage, which you can have delivered to your door for the low price of $10.14 plus shipping.
Pot For Pets
Marijuana is legal in Amazon’s home state of Washington, but scientists generally agree that cannabis is pretty dangerous for household animals. That hasn’t stopped someone from selling Pot for Pets, a cannabis extract that you can administer to your cat or dog to deal with “certain health issues in pets.” Of course, they don’t come out and say what it really does, but Amazon will charge you $49.95 for it and ship it right to your door. What’s next – Heroin for Hounds? Cocaine for Cats? PCP for Parakeets?
Kaylen’s Hand Butt Plug
Sex toys are a booming industry, and it’s only natural that Amazon would want a piece of that action. Pretty much every fetish is represented in the site’s virtual aisles, but possibly the weirdest thing in our opinion is the “Kaylen’s Hand” butt plug. Described as a “life-size replica hand” that will enable you to “master the next level of insertions,” it’s a creepy plastic mitt that holds its fingers in a tapered style for effective butt stuffing. Creepily enough, Amazon’s “Frequently Bought Together” box shows Kaylen’s Hand with two other silicone hands for anal action.
55 Gallons Of Lube
It’s a retail truism that if you want to save money, it’s good to buy in bulk. So if you’re a person who has a lot of sex – like, a whole lot of sex – why not invest in a 55 gallon drum of personal lubricant? We’re talking a staggering 522 pounds of water-based lubricant, suitable for use with just about any device. That’s easily enough slime to get Godzilla ready for action. You’ll have to spend $1,275 to take this home to your apocalypse bunker or sex dungeon, but that’s still a massive savings over buying this much lube in more portable containers.
Infant Circumcision Trainer
No we are shitting you not, get a load of this Infant Circumcision Trailer. Cutting a little bit of your newborn son’s penis off is a religious and cultural tradition that’s coming under some scrutiny in recent years, but this product does answer a very real question: how do you practice trimming baby dicks? Obviously, with a disturbingly realistic newborn pelvis that comes with a number of foreskins to choose from.
Badonkadonk Land Cruiser
One of the most bizarre items up for sale on Amazon is the “JL421 Badonkadonk,” a vehicle that wouldn’t look out of place in Mad Max: Fury Road. At a bargain price of just a hair under $20,000, the Badonkadonk is a customized vehicle designed to traverse your wasteland of choice at a bracing top speed of 40 miles per hour. Boasting a fully carpeted interior, a 400 watt sound system and a rubberized skirt to protect the wheels, this whip will get you some serious looks – and a ticket, because it’s not street legal.