19 Tweets About Married Life Which Hits Like a Nail

No two marriages are exactly alike. That said, there are certain unifying experiences and feelings that husbands and wives, no matter where they’re from, will find relatable.

My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I'm reading in bed.

— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) August 6, 2016

Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco…
Me: I'll have 9 tacos.

— keith (@tchrquotes) February 28, 2015

Wife: Where are you
Me: The store
W: Don't lie to me
M: Wh-
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up* pic.twitter.com/CbhMqKVGkq

— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) May 25, 2016

"Should we just lie in bed and eat chocolate and look at the Tupperware catalogue?" My husband, turning me on.

— lauren robinson (@laurenjoyness) August 3, 2016

It's Friday night, so my wife and I drank wine and talked politics.

Just kidding.

We had a 20 minute argument over brands of toilet paper.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2016

Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other "do you have to do that right now?"

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 23, 2016

Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.

— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016

me: want me to make dinner
wife: nah it's ok honey, I know you're still tired from doing it back in 2003

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 24, 2016

Pre-marriage counseling should include putting up a tent together.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 30, 2016

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013

Marriage, because you need to know you were folding a bag of chips wrong your entire life.

— Dan (@Social_Mime) February 11, 2016

wife: You forgot to turn the TV off last night

[flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Air Bud]

me: No I didn't

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 25, 2016

 

I had to wipe baby poop off my wife's foot.

I don't remember that one being in our wedding vows.

My wife assures me it was in there.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2016

My growing Crocs collection is forcing my wife to make some tough decisions about her future.

— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) June 7, 2016

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 24, 2015

*ignores husband for the entirety of our dinner date so I can write him the perfect happy birthday post on FB*

— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 9, 2016

Marriage is basically just looking over at your partner saying "Did you hear that?" Every time your body makes a weird noise.

— The Fantastic Mr.Fox (@Camel_Crushin) July 6, 2016

*complains about wife watching HGTV all the time
*goes on business trip
*watches HGTV in the hotel room

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 17, 2016